Hollywood's Biggest Secret Part 1

[Dave]

“Entertainment Tonite” program for release on April 1, 2006.
This is a fictitious documentary. The names are real, but everything else which follows is fictional.
Or is it?

ET Host: Join us tonight as ET explores what may be the biggest, best-kept secret in Hollywood. It’s not drugs, or extra-marital affairs. Hosted by rock legend Alice Cooper, ET gets to the bottom of a secret passion shared by many, and the surprise is that it’s not limited to Hollywood.
(head shown in silhouette, voice electronically altered)
“I’ve loved their work for years, but if anyone ever found out about it, I’d be ‘uncool’ “
(cut to Alice)
“Hello, I’m Alice Cooper”
(from off camera, “We’re not worthy!” can be heard. Alice looks stage right, shrugs his shoulders, and says “OK, so you’re not”)
(looks back at camera)
“You’ve heard their songs (medley of Carpenters songs begins playing, along with video footage) and probably have even sung along with them. Tonight, join me as I take a trip through Tinseltown and expose some strange and interesting Carpenters fans. Some are still afraid to go public, but many were relieved to finally have this burden off their chests.”
(cuts to Sir Elton John, sitting comfortably)
“I could never understand why I was losing my hair back then, and Richard never lost a strand! I was SO jealous! I used to listen to their music, and I’d ask Bernie why he couldn’t write songs like those. He would “retaliate” by asking me why I couldn’t compose and play as well as Richard. (laughing). Who knows, maybe after seeing this Richard would want to tour with me. I’ve toured with Billy Joel, and played with Guns n’ Roses, but for me, performing with Richard Carpenter would be, well, like having a dream come true.”
(camera goes back to Alice)
“Pretty amazing, isn’t it? An accomplished artist like Sir Elton John, who has certainly accomplished his goal of becoming a teenage idol, was secretly a fan of those two kids from Downey all these years. I asked Elton how it felt to finally “come out of the closet” with his affection for the Carpenters, and here’s what he said:
(camera goes back to Elton) “Oh, heavens, it’s great to finally be at a point in my career where I can speak my mind, and get these things off my chest. Of course, I’ll probably never record a soundtrack for Disney again, because of what happened between them, John Bettis, and Richard, but it’s Disney’s loss.”
(back to Alice)
“Elton is, of course, referring to the time when Richard and John Bettis bucked the system at Disneyland by playing requests from park visitors. This didn’t go over well with their boss, Mr. Guder, who inadvertently launched their careers by firing them both. At this point I must admit to having been a fan for many, many years. Frank Zappa once teased me about this, as we were working in his study, but we all know of Frank’s love of classical music, and when I found several Carpenters albums hidden with his…well, you know (grinning), he begged me not to tell anyone. His favorite song was “Sing”. In 2004, VH1 did an ad campaign based upon this simple song, with parts of it being sung by several famous musicians. Next up, we’ll see how “Sing” changed one young man’s life.
(break for commercials)

[Dave]

(camera back on Alice)
“We’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg tonight. “Sing”, originally written for the children’s show “Sesame Street”, was on its outside a simple song, but a few Sesame Street denizens had their own thoughts…”
(camera cuts to Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird)
Oscar: “It was tough when they sang that song. How could ANYONE be grouchy after hearing it, and if it gets stuck in your head, you can’t think a grouchy thought!” (looks at Big Bird)
BB: “Oh yeah, it’s a happy tune, alright. It’s kinda tough to think of you being happy, Grouch. Can you sing us a few bars?”
OTG: (smiling) “Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad”
Miss Piggy: “It’s too bad they never came on our show, isn’t it, Kermie? I was prettier and could sing better than Karen, right, Kermie?”
Kermit the Frog (choking, trying to think fast to avoid a karate chop): “Well, Piggy, they were too busy. It’s their loss (looking at the camera with a look of relief)”
Statler and Waldorf, (seated in their balcony box)
Statler: “It’s too bad that the Carpenters never played here.”
Waldorf: “Yeah, it was our only chance to have some REAL talent on this stage.”(laughs)
Statler: “Well, you know what they say about making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, right?” (both guffaw together)
(camera cuts to stage, where we see Miss Piggy about to launch a giant head of lettuce towards Statler and Waldorf)
(camera goes back to Alice)
“One of the artists featured in VH1’s ad campaign was Bono. Bono has been recently honored for various humanitarian efforts he’s spearheaded, and when we caught up with him, I asked him what he thought about singing “Sing”. The answer amazed even a staunch Carpenters fan like myself.”
(camera shows Bono)
“I was simply thrilled when they asked me. I only wish I could’ve done a duet with Karen, but of course she died before I became famous. But I live the words of the song by my actions. VH1 only wanted the few words they showed, but I demanded that we sing the entire song, and so that footage is floating around in their video archives somewhere. (laughing) “I suppose when they want to blackmail me, they’ll take it out and show it.”
(camera back to Alice)
“When I asked him how he might have turned out if he hadn’t heard “Sing”, and fallen under the spell of the Carpenters, he said;
(camera back to Bono)
“Oh, I can’t even imagine. We (U2) were taking our musical inspiration from groups like the Sex Pistols, AC/DC, and the Clash, and after we heard “Sing” on the tour bus’s radio late one night, it was as if everyone’d had a revelation at the same time. It was simply amazing. We changed our tunes, and our style, and the crowds began coming, and soon we’d signed our first contract. Thank you, Richard and Karen.”
(camera back to Alice)
“When I asked him what he thought his contribution to the Carpenters legacy might be he said:”
(camera back to Bono)
“I’d like to think that if Karen was still with us, she’d be proud of me for the work outside the music industry I’ve been involved with, heck, she might even have joined in. I’d have loved to have sung with her.”

[Dave]

(camera back to Alice)
“When we come back, we’ll step outside the music world, and see how the Carpenters’ legacy has influenced others, some you can’t even imagine.”
(commercial break)
(camera on Alice)
“So far, we’ve shown you the results of our investigation into what may be Hollywood’s biggest secret, being fans of the Carpenters. But the tentacles stretch beyond the recording studios, onto many a stage and dressing room. We had heard rumors that Burt Reynolds insisted on playing Carpenters albums in his dressing room, but when we asked him, he did this:
(camera shot of Burt standing outside his car, door open, holding a new copy of “Carpenters Gold”, unaware that it’s visible to the camera)
Reporter: “Mr. Reynolds, we’ve heard rumors that you liked to play Carpenters albums in your dressing rooms. Can you confirm or deny this?”
(Mr. Reynolds, looking away from the camera with an exasperated look on his face)
“No comment! You’ll have to ask my PR people.”
(gets in car, quickly drives off)
(camera back to Alice)
:We’ve also heard rumors to the effect that the centerfold Burt did in “Playgirl” was an attempt to get Karen’s attention, but of course no one will either confirm nor deny it. Hmmm…”
(camera on Alice. From offstage, “We’re not worthy” is heard.)
“OK guys, you can come out.” (motioning to his right)
“Here are two guys who need no introduction, but welcome Dana Carvey and Michael Myers. (greetings and handshakes) Let’s sit down.”
(they sit down on a sofa, the coffee table has various Carpenters albums on it)
MM: “I feel like we’re doing Linda Richmond here…”
DC: (doing Garth) “I’m a little bit nervous. I hope I don’t hurl…”
AC: “Now, both of you have had ‘relationships’ with the Carpenters for many years. Why don’t you elaborate? Dana, you go first.”
DC (nervously): “Well, you know that scene in Wayne’s World where I’m playing the drums in the music store and I’m like, you know, really good? I had to psych myself up for that scene by imagining that I was auditioning for the Carpenters, and Karen was listening. She was the Number Two rock drummer in Playboy’s poll in 1973, you know.”
AC: “Really? And you told me that you never read Playboy for the articles…” (everyone laughs)
How about you, Michael?”
MM: “Well, when Lorne Michaels asked me to change the host of “Coffee Talk” from Paul Baldwin to Linda Richmond, for some reason I felt like the character should have a New Haven accent. We’d done a caller on Paul Baldwin’s watch who was from New England, and of course the joke was that the New Englander was speaking a foreign language to a New Yorker. When I tried it out in front of Lorne, he said ‘It’ll never work. You sound too much like Karen Carpenter.’ I protested, to no avail. I think that deep down inside, Lorne was a fan, too, but was ‘too cool’ to admit it.”
AC: “Well, I asked Lorne what he thought, and he said this: (cut to video interview footage)”
LM: “I wanted to have the Carpenters on the show that first season, but the brass at NBC said no, that the Carpenters weren’t ‘hip’ enough for the audience the show was trying to attract. Maybe if I’d bucked the brass like Richard did, I’d have had to get a real job.” (laughing)

[Dave]

“It’s amazing what 30 years of hindsight shows you. I’ll bet we’d have gone big-time that season.”
(camera back on Alice)
“After the break, some final thoughts, and we find out who “Deep Throat” really is.”
(commercial break)
(camera begins with wide view of AC, MM, and DC conversing on sofa, looking at album covers, then zooms in on Alice)
AC: “We began tonight’s show with a man who has decided to reveal his love for the Carpenters in public after many years.”
(camera cuts to silhouetted figure)
AC: “Are you ready, Mystery Man?”
MM: (tearful voice) “Yes, yes, I’m ready.”
(lights come on face to reveal Weird Al Yankovic)
WA: “I’ve made my career out of parodying other people’s songs, but I have never done a parody of any Carpenters songs. I just couldn’t do it.” (head in hands, pretends to be sobbing)
(camera back on AC, MM, and DC, faces appear to be in shock)
AC: “Well, I think that I can speak for all of us when I say I’ve never wanted to parody a Carpenters song either. Before we say goodnight, we have two special guests with their take on tonight’s stunning expose’:
(camera shows Richard’s face, with an amazed smile. Richard reprises Sally Field’s Oscar acceptance speech, saying:)
RC: “They love us! They really love us!”
(camera pulls back, showing Sally Field sitting next to Richard)
SF (putting her arm around Richard’s shoulder): “Of course they do, silly. It just wasn’t cool to be open about it.”
(camera back to AC)
AC: “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight, We hope you’ve enjoyed the show, and be sure to watch the special on the Sci-Fi channel, “Was ‘Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft’ a coded message for extraterrestrials?”
(closes with a video medley of people singing bits from “Sing”, including, but not limited to:
Bono
Cher
President Bush
Fidel Castro
The Pittsburgh Steelers
Howard Stern
Astronaut Neil Armstrong
Various American Idol contestants
“Survivor” contestants
People on the street
Etc.

[YesterdayOnceMore]

Dave,
Thanks a million times over for taking the emense amount of time you took to post this for us. What an interesting read it was. Of course, there were so many out there who adored KandR, and were just to stupid to admit it.

But, this is cool, and I'm glad to have read it. Perhaps ET will rerun this one. I'll try and stay on top of it, so I can see it. Looks like it was a fun watch.

Thanks again Dude!
Tim

[Rick Henry]

Wow, Dave that was an excellent read. What a great imagination you have and well written too.

I thought the part about Burt Reynolds making the get away was pretty funny - the mention about his centerfold shoot was even funnier.

I also liked the twist on Elton John coming out of the closet.

I find this to be an interesting topic. As I found it odd how Every Single Carpenters album from 1970 to 1975 made the top 20 and every single from 1970 to early 1976 made the top 20. They never missed once during that period. Yet for some reason only very few would admit to liking them. Carpenters were the antithesis to cool in the 70's and even in the 80's. But now adays they are considered cool by a good portion of music listeners.

[Dave]

Tim, I'm glad you liked it, but it's the product of a conversation Rick and I had about "Sing" being used to promote "American Idol". This is twice in two years that "Sing" has been the centerpiece of an major ad campaign, and Aquafina used "Top Of The World". My imagination took over and this "screenplay" is the result.
I feel honored in a "War of the Worlds" way for your thoughts. It really wouldn't take very much for someone from ET to make this fiction a reality, and I'd bet real money that for this show their ratings would go through the roof! In fact, if someone from ET reads this, and wants to do it, just drop my name in at the end of the credits. And spell it right!

[YesterdayOnceMore]

Sometimes, I think I should just pack it up and never turn on my computer again.

DUH! You say right up front it's fiction - but I didn't catch that the first time round. So, for all I knew, I was reading something that came straight off the tele. That ought to tell you something about your writing style, Dave. (that's a compliment, you pirate, you).

I should never turn my computer on in the middle of the night......I get in trouble every time.

Perhaps this WILL come to pass, and ET will do something like this. I hope so, because as I said in my earlier post - there are lots of folks out there who were stupidly "closet" fans of K and R, and I bet they are not closeted any longer.

Each to his own, I suppose.

It was a great read, Dave. Thanks. Sorry I misunderstood that it was fiction, not fact. I feel kinda silly.
Tim

[Dave]

Don't feel badly, Tim. The fact I snuck one past you makes me feel like Orson Welles did after his historic broadcast spread panic. He prefaced the show by saying that it was all fiction too, but enough people tuned in late, and the rest is history.
Here, the only "panic" would be by those who believe that this is a transcript of an actual broadcast, and that they'd missed it somehow. Maybe if a lot of people read this, and bombard ET with requests to rerun the show, someone will get the idea that "Hey, maybe this would be a fun thing to do after all", and start the ball rolling. Such is the power of the Internet.

[Rick Henry]

I just had to bring this one back up. This is one of the funniest posts on the forum - but has holds a lot of truth as to how people were concerning the Carpenters. It's was almost like the Carpenters were the world's best known secret. Everybody knew who they were. Everybody agreed that Karen Carpenter was an awesome vocalist. But nobody ever admitted to buying their records. Verrrrry interesting...

[YesterdayOnceMore]

Boy, you hit the nail on the head with that last post, Rick. What a true statement. And why? Because everyone wanted to be cool? And, as we all know, it WAS NOT COOL to be a fan of Carpenters....especially at the time.

I'd love to see this one go into production, Dave. See what you can do, will you?

Tim

[Dave]

Let's see if I can push a snowball over the hump...

[wisejester7]

Too Funny, Dave!!

Thanks, Rick, for bringing this jewel back into the light.

[smoothie2]

yesterdayoncemore said:

Sometimes, I think I should just pack it up and never turn on my computer again.

DUH! You say right up front it's fiction - but I didn't catch that the first time round. So, for all I knew, I was reading something that came straight off the tele. That ought to tell you something about your writing style, Dave. (that's a compliment, you pirate, you).

I should never turn my computer on in the middle of the night......I get in trouble every time.

Perhaps this WILL come to pass, and ET will do something like this. I hope so, because as I said in my earlier post - there are lots of folks out there who were stupidly "closet" fans of K and R, and I bet they are not closeted any longer.

Each to his own, I suppose.

It was a great read, Dave. Thanks. Sorry I misunderstood that it was fiction, not fact. I feel kinda silly.
Tim

HEY I KNOW THIS ORIGINALLY STARTED AS A POST A FEW YRS. AGO, BUT, i'M JUST NOW CATCHING IT
AND SO GUESS WHAT TIM? I ALSO AM A VICTIM OF THINKING THIS WAS A REAL SHOW!!
SO, YO DAVE, OKAY SMARTYPANTS...YES, YOU CAUGHT ME TOO !!
SO GLAD U DID THOUGH! THIS IS QUITE AN ENDEAVOR YOU TOOK ON..AND OBVIOUSLY, YOU DID VERY WELL!

>>>><<<<< I feel this could Easily be a true ET episode!
I think back to those "long ago and oh so far away" days, and
since I wasn't one of the "popular" girls in school, and I bought Carps. records anyway, as well as J. Denver, then the impact of being "uncool wasn't as hard on me, as on others. But, I do know what you mean,
I recall being in school in jr. hi. and a few of us girls would kill time writing down in order, our fave songs we'd hear on the radio, and writing down the singer or group to match the song.
I don't recall putting down Carpenters, but I don't think I was too much in the closet about liking them either.
anyway,ha..hee tee ...good one !